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I feel that I am rather impervious to marketing (excluding infomercials on household goods. I want every one of those ever advertised). However, when a new 5 blade razor was released onto the market, plus it was orange, I knew it was my destiny to one day own and use one.

Look at that! I want that cutting small, painful holes into my face. The only problem is just before hearing about this miracle of modern science I happened to purchase a large number of blades for my current razor from Costco. I’m not sure about the exact amount, but let’s say it’s roughly a billion or so. I just remember, at Costco, determining they’d last me about 2 years.

2 years. 2 years of inferior shaving technology!

I went through a few bouts of depression over my razor misfortune. For a while I simply refused to shave. A manager at work mentioned something about looking like I had just gotten off Survivor. My broken heart was echoed through my unshorn face. I was a miserable pittance of a man.

Then one day I was browsing around on the internet and saw an offer for a free next-generation razor. I thought I read that it was the above orange beauty — I figured, destiny fulfilled thanks to the wonder of free crap on the internet (not that it’s really that free — replacement blades are expensive, obviously). I filled out the form and waited, anxiously. 4-6 weeks and my razor, my free, Gillette Fusion razor, would be gracing my flesh.

Fast forward to a few days ago. I get a razor-sized box in the mail. Glee! It has arrived. But something is wrong. I am not quite sure which razor it is I love and am soul-mates with, but I do remember at this point two things: it’s orange, and it has five blades. FIVE BLADES.

The razor I hold in my hand is called the “quattro.” Knowing a bit about Spanish, and having also learned about about the word while looking at Audis, I knew something was clearly wrong. Quattro means four. Why would they sell a five bladed razor, and call it four? Why undersell the razor?

At this point I think about it and decide it’s one of two things:

1) They are underselling their razor, calling it quattor, because they are stupid, or because it really only works like a 4-blade razor
2) I remember them saying something about 5 blades, and one blade being on the back to accidentally cut you if you weren’t careful (or for trimming sideburns or something)… maybe only 4 blades are on the front, hence, Quattro
3) I am not about to enjoy the revolutionary shaving experience I thought I was in store for. (or rather, for which I thought I was in store)

I opened the package and looked within, and saw this:

This is not orange. This is not five blade technology. This is like from 2001. If not earlier. This is, as the Romans would say, bull.

I didn’t cry. I know that much. They stole my spirit, but they never saw me cry.

So I still don’t have a Gillette Fusion razor. All I can do is wish, one day, I will have one. And sit and think about why in the world razor marketing has affected me so greatly.