The Spam Drama Conspired By Jim Reardon ACT I ----- Scene 1: A small road, could be anywhere really, but this specific road is in Washington, D.C. Two people are walking, talkin'. Bob: La, la la. I'm the local cheese salesman, la la la. Delivering cheese, la la la.. . Let me von see who'ves on thivs list, von. Hmmm... Lemme see.. . This makes no sense.. . Amy: You silly! You forgot you're illiterate! Bob: Oh, yeah, I knew that. Amy: La la la. I'm the local hit-(wo)man, la la la. Bob: Uhh. You read the list. Amy: Silly, I'm illiterate too! Bob: Huh, yeah, duh, that's right! Then who'd gone and written this here list? Amy: I-I-I don't know! I think it's a conspiracy to overthrow the government!!! Nararator: Little did Amy and Bob know, they were right! A secret plot that was turning all the little thingies in the world into words, to which no one could read! Including the president!! Bob: Uh, what was that? Scene 2: A very different street. In fact, it's so different, it's not a street. It's Amy's office, the Slab & Stack Building, right next to the White House for easy access by the president. Two people, Chuck, the ugly guy who's Amy's sel-ec-ratar, and Joe-Bob-Jake, the country musician. Chuck: Slab and Stack, buy one murder, and get the next one at thirty five and a half percent off. Joe-Bob-Jake: I need you to kill the president. Chuck: Umm, let me look up the price for that. Computer: Hi, thank you for turning me on! Chuck: You're welcome! Joe-Bob-Jake: (Aside) This is so bad they're stealing from "Step By Step." Chuck: Less-see... Murder rates - cow, $5. Horse, Free. Cartoon, Seasonal Variation. Ahh, here it is. Presidential Candidate - oh wait, that's not it. Ummm, Dan Quayle - we'll pay you.. . Clinton - he's as good as dead.. . I don't think it's on my list.. . You'll have to wait for Amy to get back. Or, you can always get that guy with the alergic reaction to fresh air in the park to do it for you.. . Joe-Bob-Jake: I need a professional.. . Scene 3: This one is even less like the street in the first scene. It's the congress building, which is flooded with water from the local cheese and water festivities that happen each "Presidential Party." President Joe: Hey, we're out of coke. Secret Service Boy: Hey sir, we're out of pepsi too. President Joe: Get Bob, that guy from the cheese store. He's over due with that cheese. Other SS Boy: Bing! Bing! I'll be your elevator tonight! Bing! Bing! Quayle: Coo! Coo! Coo! Bob: If thy wishith my cheeseith, why art thou in thy cabinith crying overith thyith cow and thy whereforth aret moo? If thoust are notith my lodu mayith I fly away on cheese! Mayith I fly away on cheese! Quayle: Coo! Coo! Coo! Amy: I have been sent here to killith you, senor president. President Joe: You can not! For if I was capable of murder, thou shall be fearful of thy hand that hasth rockedith thyith cradle! Amy: This is really going downhill. Let's quit while we're ahead - anyway, you can't die till scene 3. President Joe: Antonius! Countith The Clockith! Antonius: `Tis still scene one! Amy: I must departith, forith thisith isith reallyith stupidith.