The story behind my love of cows - take one, scene one, part one. written Sophomore (?) year by Jim Reardon ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- In the early days of the third world war, cowman began assimilating the cultures of the world, and created a master race of cows. Genetically altered, these cows now rule the earth - the world as it was known is gone - and now only these cows - these SUPER COWS - remain! You know, and now you must be destroyed... You can run but you can not hide.. We are the rebels - for a hopeless cause. All information here is strictly factual. Nothing here is in any way shape or form meant to be serious. The super cows somehow destroyed humans in the most painful way possible - they slowly disinegrated their skin while their bones pushed outward, and eventually tore through the small fragments of skin the human had left. Humans were trapped in giant buildings marked "Bob Dole's Congress." The bait was simple - each human's EXACT cut of swiss cheese - exactly his weight and shape. It was just too much for the simple humans. They destroyed each human one at a time, which got to be a slow progress because skin doesn't deteriorate as fast as it use to. We - the few - the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers - have survived this pain by extreme cowardice - the ultimate cowardice - the fear of something yellow. Slowly our minutes turn into days - we are begining to starve to death without the good 'ole hamburger. Trinie killed Jason last night.. And she's starting to look at me funny now... I personally am going to kill her in her sleep tomorrow night and eat her still pumping heart uncooked and raw.. It will be a feast fit for a cow. Days turn into years... We, the last survivors, secluded from the surface in a cave, near a underwater river where we get our fresh water, live off of our enemy and a few of our former friends. The cow-munists deserve to be lunch meat, like the normal run of the mill cow. But these cows are not normal. These are super cows. Years turn back into minutes. The cows are aware of our presence. They have sent their lackeys to kill us - they have sent out the big mammals to destroy and devour us alive. I, Jason, an the only one left. I have destroyed the big mammals, which were horses, and ate their still beating eyeballs which were still in their sockets, connected to their still hard skull, connected to a bunch of other things which were still beating. The river has gone dry. I am going blind - I droped my glasses while killing a few cows. One rebel cow has joined my force, and he must die. He will die. I took two coke bottles and tied them together - they serve well as glasses. I have not killed the cow yet, but I am begining to believe he is an informat for them. I found a few diamonds in a coal mine. I thought that I could sell them, or at least pawn them, but I can't - the humans that were in my fair city have been destroyed, along with sleezey mack, the local pawner, who never checks the serial numbers - belive me, I have tested this. I must travel to his pawn shop and get his gun to kill the cows... I must... I traveled to the pawn shop avoiding the cow partolls. But then I realized that one gun will not fight against billions of cows. I pushed the communicator button and told Mr. Scotty to beam me up. After him beaming me up I grabed his phasor, and went directly to Data's quarters. "Now we will see if you are an actor, or a machine!" I said as I ravagely set the phasor on char-broil and shot him multiples of times. He pressed his communicator and told the computer, "Daily Log: 034981048123, Found out that phasor on char-broil kinda tickles. Killed a anti-cow activist." I took the phasor and shot myself, but then I realized I was merely in the holodeck. I told the computer to stop it, and then left to the transporter room. I beamed myself into a strange little room with no light. It did have, however, a chainsaw and a bucket of barbque sauce. I left out an evil cackle and went out to find some cows... Minutes turned back into seconds. I found cows, and I spread the bbq on them and cut them into iddie biddie pieaces, and put them on a stick. I fried them at 385 and ate them... Shishkabob tastes even better when the cow's heart is still beating. I returned to my cave, and the river was not dry anymore. My cave was flooded, and I cursed the cave, and I cursed everyone else. Then I found out that our fresh water wasn't fresh - and this was not a cave. This was a sewage pipe, and we were drinking cow urine and feces all the time - I knew fresh water didn't have things floating in it. The water stoped as a cow's toilet filled with water. Minutes turned into years, again. I lived off of the cow feces and urine for a few minutes, which were actually years. I was losing track of time, my watch was broke, and the video I rented was a few decades over due. That's gonna be one big fine. Years turned back into minutes as way to many cows flushed their toilets - and the water came too fast for a human body to resist - I was sent down the pipe at velocitys only crap can travel at... I ended up at a nuclear reactor. The toilets had stoped it, and it was out of water. It was about to blow up higher than you can get on LSD. This was not good. I heard a small voice say: Don't eat the beet. I took my 'saw and chopped up the source of the voice - my mouth. I was bleeding intensely. I could no longer talk. Minutes turned into years. My wounds never healed and the blood still flowed from my body faster than a man running from a cop after he stole your television. I was dying slowly. Then I saw him. He was four foot tall, he was fat, plump, and he had a bucket of spam on his back. It was a saftey cow. The cows they sent around to fix up all the skiers that were hurt. Kinda like them dogs with mini-kegs around their neck which people purposely get hurt just to see if they're beer but they're not and they're dissapointed. He fixed up my wound, and mooed very loudly - he was not a super cow. I hopped on and told him I needed to go to the nearest gas station. He took me there. I filled up a container with gas, of course, and spread it all around the station and blew it up. It was cool. I took the remnants of the gasoline and let the cow drink them, so they would slowly and painfully kill him. After he died I cooked him while his heart was still beating. Yum. After a short dinner, I kicked the cow's still beating heart into a wishing well. I wished for a flying bucket of cheese to pick me up and take me away to another place, far from the cows that like to kill humans. Well, now you know that wishing wells are fakes. They don't work. Don't fall for them, man. I wasted a still beating cow-heart on it, don't fall for it man. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- If I offended you by any of the above... Good.